Because I have so much time on my hands, what with all the don't dilate before you get to 37 weeks mischagas, I have been reading some blogs and today Amalah wrote about personality traits that she sees in her two year old son that resemble her actions and behaviors as a child and it got me to thinking about the fact that I had always wanted to get my shit together before I had kids.
Well, hell. I remembered this today. At 36 weeks pregnant.
So, basically, I need to think fast.
It is very important to me that I don't pass on my tendency to be negative, quick to anger, my anticipatory anxiety and the resulting panic attacks that I spent the greater part of my twenties battling. The only conciliation I have is that I have managed mild anxieties throughout my pregnancy without the aid of medication. I've forced myself to breathe and relax and realize that I need to chill the hell out and just deal with the present moment. I should continue this I know.
I want to be a calm mother. I want to teach my children to breathe when they get angry and recognize perspective, not blame themselves and doubt their abilities. I want them to be confident and not shattered by one negative teasing comment. That isn't an easy habit to teach when I don't feel so confident myself right now. I've never loved the way I look. And if I don't love my body, how do I teach my children to be healthy and strong and confident in who they are?
I want to teach my children to be open minded and fair and to take a moment each day to reflect and relax. But I don't even do this myself. I want to. But there never seems to be time. And is it okay that I only manage this with a glass of Chardonnay?
My Dad tells me that when you see your own behaviors reflected back at you in your children it is an awakening like no other. I am both horrified and excited to see what my unborn son will be like as a real person. I fear that he may take after his father and think that news is what you watch on ESPN but I would love if he slept as easily and as early as Marc does. And from me, maybe he'll inherit my awesome cooking skills and my ability to use power tools.