(No) Sunrays and Saturdays

It's a Xanax kind of day.

Noah turns ONE YEAR OLD tomorrow and I am duly thrilled and sad. I love watching my baby grow up and gain independence and experience his world but I am also missing my baby who used to be so easy to hold and rock and feed and nurse.  I am now raising a toddler who has desires, wants, opinions and expresses them all with the same defiant full-body-arching gutteral-grunt combo.  It's awesome.

There are a host of normal-everyone-has-them familial issues that Marc and I are dealing with right now that leave me riddled with nauseating anxiety from head to toe.  I am working with and feeling a variety of emotions; guilt, anger, sadness, resent, loneliness, feeling misunderstood, ...and it leaves me emotionally exhausted, drained and also anxious, see, double dose today, eh?

Marc's office Christmas party is tonight and it is fairly far away from here, read: long drive, extra late night.  Oh! And it is the first time I have left Noah for an extended number of hours.  My Aunt will be staying here with him and I am really not at all worried about the level of care he'll be receiving, but I know he'll have a rough time getting to sleep and I feel bad, but also I'm glad we are getting away without him, it is important for us, our marriage, and ultimately, that effects him more than missing me for a few hours at bedtime.  I know I am doing the right thing, and I do not feel guilty, more like first-time jitters.

I have to get in the shower in about four hours and I still want to exercise, give myself a half-assed mani/pedi, take a brief 45 minute nap to help me get through tonight (4.5 hours of sleep last night) and spend some quality time with my baby who will be a toddler when he wakes up tomorrow morning. OY VEY!

Something in that last paragraph may not happen and I am frightened to think about which one.  At least a back up is CLOSED TOE SHOES. 

I found some old, like, pre-pregnancy Xanax in the deep trenches of my bathroom drawer and I am finally feeling a little more in control and less panicky about my day ahead.

In other less SEND IN THE TROOPS- type news, Marc just bought some new furniture for his entertainment system in the basement and it came wrapped in multiple layers of thick cardboard.  Add that to the seventeen-gojillion boxes we have received from FedEx/UPS/DHL/USPS this week and our backyard and deck are becoming hazardous waste area of rain-sodden cardboard.  Who needs a White Christmas when you can have a White-Trash Christmas? 

And finally, I hate to segue into such fabulous child-milestone news after such a woe-is-me-xanax-please type of posting, but, Noah did some real  honest to God vertical-man walking last night.  I have a little video that I'll upload later as  proof. And maybe I'll even give it its own deserving entry.

*Vertical Horizon, and I knew them before they were big.

Comments

[girlfiend]

I'd wrestle you to the ground and yank that expired xanax from your hands right now if I could.

Happy birthday.

[Becky Scott]

My little guy is 13 months old. While I enjoy his independence, he is so picky right now. And opinionated. I miss the way he used to cuddle. *sigh*

[Hilary]

Happy Birthday, Noah! I hope the party was a great time, too. Is one year old considered a toddler?! I thought they were babies until 2 or 3??

[jodifur]

Happy B-day Noah!!!

Happy B-day day, Mommy!! I always thought moms deserved a party also for surviving another year.

Have so much fun tonight.

And the other stuff will work itself out hon, it will. And I'm here if you need anything.